Self-pleasure is still a taboo in our culture. Even in sex-positive circles such as Temples, at the Tantra Festival in Goa, or in Fetish clubs, self-pleasuring is more edgy than interacting with other people. It seems to be too intimate, too shameful, or maybe too boring to talk about. 

But the truth is that we all do it. And naturally, we start from a very young age. 

I have a younger brother who regularly touched his little willy when he was a toddler, and he seemed to enjoy it shamelessly. Why? Because no-one told him that that was something to be ashamed about. Of course there came a time when that was safer and more acceptable to do this privately. 

And of course, we should protect children from people who might take advantage of this unashamed innocent sexual expression. As someone who works regularly with sexual abuse survivors and has been sexually abused, I know what I am talking about. 

But that’s not the point: the point is that exploring our body in a way that gives us pleasure is innocent and natural.

We have created a society that tells us otherwise. 

The results are: 

💩 We have forgotten how to make love to ourselves, let alone fuck ourselves 

💩 We don’t make time for pleasure 

💩 We see pleasurable experiences as something that is disconnected from our every-day reality (eg. I don’t experience pleasure doing housework)

💩 We have become dependent on other people to make love to ourselves or fuck us 

💩 When we masturbate, it’s not the same or better than being with a partner; it’s somehow a bit lonely and boring (something that we need to do every once in a while rather than something that deepens our relationship to ourselves);

💩 Sex with ourselves is shallow, empty and performative 

💩 Many of us have become dependent on porn or other external sources to gain sexual pleasure 

Oh my Goddess, why did we do all that to ourselves? 

Let me tell you a bit about my own story… 

Maybe it was my grandmother or my mum, who somehow told me I shouldn’t touch my self and explore my body that way. Maybe it was ancestral blockage. Or maybe it was the interactions that I had with a 12-year old boy when I was 6 that made me shut down sexually. 

For a matter of fact, I don’t remember masturbating as a child or as a teenager. I remember that touching my nipples and my breasts felt like I was doing something naughty. I never explored myself this way.

It wasn’t until I was 19 when I touched my pussy for the first time in a ‘masturbation’ kind of way. Even though I was sexually active at 14! So that was 5 years of making out, of other people touching and licking my pussy, without me ever touching her myself. 

I never explored myself this way. I am still sad when I think about that. I wasn’t connected to myself - and it is precisely that lack of connection to ourselves that has created a mad kind of world. 

I want our culture to change. That’s why I do what I do. 

I want people to know that sexuality is our life-force energy, and when we repress it, we suppress who we really are. 

I personally believe that even experienced monks or other holy people who don't pleasure their genitals are not suppressing their sexual energy - they are just moving sexual energy differently through their bodies. Because they must know that our universe is orgasmic. Orgasm is a divine frequency. It's the essence of what life is made out of. 

The day I fucked myself for the first time, was during a period of celibacy. 

I created a temple space with flowers, and lights. I purchased an anal plug and a glass wand. I began turning myself on with lots of oil, and lots of love. I alternated between being my inner man and my inner woman. I changed positions, I made sounds, I claimed and ravished myself, and I surrendered ever more deeply into pleasure. It was something like a 2-hour long love-making sessions just with myself. I laughed, I cried, I moaned, and I stopped counting how many times I came. 

Why am I sharing this with you? 

Because I want that for every human being: to feel ravished, claimed and sexually fulfilled from deep within. So that you don’t have to perform anymore - neither for yourself, nor for anyone else. 

Because liberating your sexuality means freedom. 

Because being orgasmic and well-fucked changes our lives.

 After that moment, I felt a big shift in me: a reclamation of ‘slut’ and a deep knowing that I’ll never depend on another person anymore to generate such bliss and ecstasy in me. In the past, I often stayed in relationships because of sex. So this was a milestone for me. With that came confidence and joy, empowerment, and freedom. 

With a fiercely devotional heart to love, 

Bibi Gratzer 

Soul, Sex and Relationship Coach 

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